# General > General >  The Phantom Farter of Woolies

## scorrie

A tale of social manners and the fine art of making an erse of yourself.

A number of years ago my wife suffered a life-threatening mystery illness. It left her wheelchair bound for some months. One day I decided to take her shopping in the wheelchair and discovered how difficult it can be to negotiate certain stores. I also found out how ignorant some people can be towards people with a disability.

By far the most memorable incident occurred when we were taking a browse through Woolies. We were just turning into the aisle with the DVDs and videos, when the sound Kerackkkkk!! was heard. The wifie in the ailse shot me a glance and paused briefly.

"I beg YOUR pardon" she roared.

"Err, what do you mean?" I replied.

"Oh, so I am just supposed to pretend THAT didn't happen then, am I?" she said. 

"Pretend what happened?", I pleaded. 

"Well I never, pleading innocence are we. If you are going to do THAT sort of thing in public, you could at least have the dignity to admit it and apologise!!" she said in a rather uppity manner.

I shrugged my shoulders, held opened my hands in resignation and turned round into another aisle. As the rubber tyres of the wheelchair chafed the floor again on turning the corner, the Phantom Farter was revealed. Kerackkkkk!! echoed around the store again and the realisation that she had just made an utter erse of herself dawned on the self-righteous wifie. She stood ashen faced and cooed "Ooh, it's e tyres, it's e tyres"

I am still awaiting MY apology and, believe me, that wifie doesn't know how lucky she is that it was not me who had emitted a trouser trumpet in Woolies that day!!

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## Rie

At least she finaly realised it was the wheels!!
My ex oh had the most disgusting habbit of walking round shops,standing in the aisle and "letting one go" then quickly walking off,leaving me and the kids with an unearthy smell around us and looks of absolute disgust from other shoppers who turned down the aisle just after he dissapeared! ::

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## WeeBurd

Great story, Scorrie, made me chuckle.

I was in the Kiln Store for their Yankee Candles Promo they did last year,  when someone let one off,  just as I was standing sniffing some candles and minding my own business.  I do believe the gentleman was with his wife who was right next to me. I had no choice but to promptly evacuate the area, not before shooting a disgusted look. I only hope he owned up to his wife or she'd still be thinking it was me to this day! :: 

There's not much worse than stepping into someone elses fart cloud... ::

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## karia

At least you had some scented candles to hand Weeburd! :Grin:

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## northener

Now just hang on a minute!

Three posts all with women criticising blokes for farting?

Why do women always assume the offender must be male? I'd love to know how they get round that one in a Nunnery?

Jeez, I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to surreptiously open the window because of some honking-arsed flatulent female sat next to me in the car. God forbid they should see you winding the window down, as the first thing they will do is blatantly accuse *you -* even though there's only two of you in the car!!!!

Women! Get thee to Nunneries!!!!

.

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## Buttercup

> Great story, Scorrie, made me chuckle.
> 
> I was in the Kiln Store for their Yankee Candles Promo they did last year, when someone let one off, just as I was standing sniffing some candles and minding my own business. I do believe the gentleman was with his wife who was right next to me. I had no choice but to promptly evacuate the area, not before shooting a disgusted look. I only hope he owned up to his wife or she'd still be thinking it was me to this day!
> 
> There's not much worse than stepping into someone elses fart cloud...


You should've said something to him WeeBurd, but maybe he was just helping you to refresh your nose ~ you know, like sniffing coffee beans after smelling so many candles. ::

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## WeeBurd

> Now just hang on a minute!
> 
> Three posts all with women criticising blokes for farting?
> 
> Why do women always assume the offender must be male? I'd love to know how they get round that one in a Nunnery?
> 
> Jeez, I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to surreptiously open the window because of some honking-arsed flatulent female sat next to me in the car. God forbid they should see you winding the window down, as the first thing they will do is blatantly accuse *you -* even though there's only two of you in the car!!!!
> 
> Women! Get thee to Nunneries!!!!
> ...


We just don't do that kind of fart, Northerner, especially not in our sleep either  :: .

BTW,  what is it about farting that is so funny. I just adore the way my tiny toddler brazenly farts,  then looks round with a huge grin to make sure that everyone knows it was her.  Funnily enough,  that too will be a habit she's picked up from her Daddy...


_Disclaimer: if any subsequent replies from my Username contradict this post,  you'll know that MrBurd has sneaked on in my place! Beware!_

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## Thumper

Weeburd, you should have said very loudly "oh I dont like the smell of this candle it smells like farts"  ::   :Wink:  x

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## WeeBurd

> You should've said something to him WeeBurd, but maybe he was just helping you to refresh your nose ~ you know, like sniffing coffee beans after smelling so many candles.


There was nothing refreshing about his rogue deposit, Buttercup  :: !

I also remember an oldie mannie walking up the aisle in the Co-op a long time ago,  and let all heck loose. Hubby (boyfriend at the time) and I couldna walk any further for laughing  :: .

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## rob16d

Haha! I want to know who that lady was!!

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## Valerie Campbell

It's a simple fact of life. Women have been brought up to let it out slowly and hope that it doesn't stink. Men on the other hand, let it rip, which is probably better for the system. Such is life...

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## MISS K

well my first visit to  the newly opened Thurso Tescos was welcomed with a flustered manager type bloke run past me down an aisle to a shelf stacker, gets into a massive debate with the other fella, doesnt see me walk quietly past minding my own business he lets out the loudest fart ive ever heard, there was no-one else to blame no where to look it was out, it was loud and i didnt hang about the smell it, there was only the 3 of us there all cringeing ::

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## Dadie

Lauren has taken to shouting WOOF WOOF at Poppy dog and pointing when she farts or worse at Grannys pointing at my Dad and shouting Grandad (its funny though)

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## lynne duncan

oh my sides hurt, haven't had such a laugh in ages, i remember when i was on day release to the thurso college with my year of engineering and tried to let go a quiet one as "ladies" do and it didn't go quietly at all and then there was stunned silence from the boys until one yelled i didn't know girls could fart, if only the floor could have opened and swallowed up.

my 4 year old can let go some trumpeters and she is fair proud of them!!!

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## Venture

Well you know the saying "Its better out than In".

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## scorrie

I remember the late Dave Allen being asked about which humour was the most universal. He said that, without doubt, farting made people all over the world "urinate themselves with laughter"

There is no doubt that the "bottom cough" crosses the language barrier. I have never heard a "Jam Tart" with an accent of any sort.

When I was on holiday in Spain some years ago, a group of six Wickers(self included) was making its way along the hotel corridor when Trev let out a thunderous roar. Wullie douped his fag in panic, for fear of combustion and the most horrific odour assaulted the nostrils. We broke out into a run but the thing was chasing us down the corridor and a feverish clamber for the room keys commenced. Just then a German couple arrived at the "Launch Site", they spoke no English, they never heard the deed being committed, but, by golly, they knew what had happened and they took to fits of laughter.

Wickers on Holiday:- Doing our bit to bring harmony amongst nations.

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## sam

> Now just hang on a minute!
> 
> Three posts all with women criticising blokes for farting?
> 
> Why do women always assume the offender must be male? I'd love to know how they get round that one in a Nunnery?
> 
> Jeez, I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to surreptiously open the window because of some honking-arsed flatulent female sat next to me in the car. God forbid they should see you winding the window down, as the first thing they will do is blatantly accuse *you -* even though there's only two of you in the car!!!!
> 
> Women! Get thee to Nunneries!!!!
> ...


 
lol your post really made me laugh, as a female and yes one who lets rip just as much as any man, I honestly dont understand women who say "I dont fart" or "there's a time and a place", I was brought up to have manners, but there is no way on this earth i would try and hold a fart in giving myself a lot of discomfort for anyone its a part of nature whether you like it or not. ::

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## helenwyler

A bedtime story for the bairns, with good sound effects :Wink: .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFzVSYD0afU

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## sam

lol helenwyler ::  and the moral of the story.........You could do a lot worse things than FART!! ::

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## Dusty

Many years ago, I was at a course in a rather upmarket hotel when during a lunch break, I had occasion to visit the toilet.

The place was large, clean and warm, so I picked out my cubicle and started to settle down to business.

At this point, two other people entered the toilet and were having a fairly loud discussion in auwfully, auwfully "good" accents.

I realised that I needed to expel some anal gasses urgently and, minding my manners as there were others present, I tried really hard to let the pressure down to atmospheric by attempting a throttling action.

This failed abysmally and a resounding rasp echoed around the room.

The animated discussion by the two visitors stopped abruptly and there was complete silence for a few seconds.

At this point, I felt an uncontrollable urge to laugh and managed to stifle it initially by lip biting etc. but I soon started to sound like Muttley, Dick Dastardly's dog. My condition quickly degenerated into gasping intakes of breath and snorts and I found that I was watering copiously from the eyes. Unfortunately, I had failed to "blow down" the total gas inventory and my convulsions were interspersed with further noisy releases which only served to fuel my mirth. A person can only take so much and within a short period I was giving vent (no pun intended) to full blown hysterics.

After about 30 days (in reality probably less than 5 minutes), I left the toilet and undertook a lengthy tour of the outside of the hotel until I felt composed enough to return to the course location.
For the remainder of the day, I was having little flashbacks and short giggling fits.

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## Thumper

Oh Dusty!Thats the best laugh I have had in ages!!!!!x

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## johno

> At least she finaly realised it was the wheels!!
> My ex oh had the most disgusting habbit of walking round shops,standing in the aisle and "letting one go" then quickly walking off,leaving me and the kids with an unearthy smell around us and looks of absolute disgust from other shoppers who turned down the aisle just after he dissapeared!


heh heh, i used to do that as well.  ::    Ps, and im not an ex   YET.??

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## WeeBurd

Dusty, I'm hurting with laughing so much!!!


I still remember storytime when I was a wee P2,  all us kids sitting on the floor at the front of the class, listening to the teacher telling a story. Then I let out a fart. Ooops  :: .  The teacher fixed me with a steely gaze...  I stared back without even flinching,  there was NO WAY I was going to actually admit to it  :: .

As for now a days, I would never intentionally fart in company,  no matter how uncomfortable I was feeling.  Sheesh,  I never even farted infront of MrBurd until we'd been together for 7 years, and even then,  it was only because I was pregnant and had no choice in the matter!

Ah, Scorrie,  Dave Allen, one of my all time favourites since I was relatively wee too. Must be down to his funny fart stories!

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## Chligh

Could it be beans for lunch ? or breakfast??

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## northener

A little bit too worse for wear, a friend and myself decided it would be good fun to buy a couple of 'Whoopee' cushions and make use of them.

We scuttled off to the local public loos and then positioned ourselves in cubicles at opposite ends of the row. Settling down, we waited for approaching footsteps.

If any of you remember the 'Derek and Clive' sketch with the patient farting and screaming for the nurse, that's roughly what we did.
For maiximum effect, sit on the pan and place the cushion between your legs and into the bowl to get the 'true' sound.

We started of queitly with the odd sporadic vocal grunt and pathetic squeak, and then built up into a thunderous cacophony of roaring farts and screams.
The reactions ranged from sheer terror and rapid exit to hysterical laughter and shouts of 'do you guys need an ambulance?'

We were crying with laughter by the time we'd had enough. I still think about doing it again......

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## obiron

last week whilst waiting outside tescos for wir taxi a guy who looked like a farmer was just a few feet away when he let out a loud fart. hubby and i just looked at each other and burst out laughing. the guy was unconcerned and wandered over to his car.

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## Looby2K7

Something thats always confussed me is...why are most men adament that women do not pass wind at all?? i mean wot the hell do we do if we feel the need?? stickk a plug in it till it passes??...if thats the case then why is there not women all over the world spotaniously comubsting lol...all that gas trapped inside cant be good.. ::

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## northener

> Something thats always confussed me is...why are most men adament that women do not pass wind at all?? i mean wot the hell do we do if we feel the need?? stickk a plug in it till it passes??...if thats the case then why is there not women all over the world spotaniously comubsting lol...all that gas trapped inside cant be good..


Maybe that's why women are always asking if their bum looks big......

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## evelyn

Oh Dusty I nearly burst my sides laughin that was soooooo funny.
I remember being at a keepfit class many years ago. Now this particular night only a few select 'ladies' attended. 
We were all on the floor on our bottoms with our legs stretched apart bending from side to side to the soft music......now in this position one has very little control of ones anal sphincter and the inevitable happened!!!! Very loudly and very squeakily, vibrating through the floorboards....and yes I confess it was me!!
Not a face cracked.....All the 'ladies' carried on as though nothing had happened...so pointedly pretending that they hadn't heard!! It was this that got to me....I wanted to roar out laughing but I couldn't... I ended up a crumpled quivering wreck with tears of laughter running down my face and still they all carried on as though nothing had happened!!!
I'm still chuckling now thinking of these poker faces! I'm sure they were all horrified!
Evelyn

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## Sapphire2803

My uncle used to fart in church, quietly and sneakily. He would then sniff the air look accusingly at the person next to him and shuffle along the seat away from them, then he'd tut, roll his eyes at the person he'd moved closer to and nod in the direction of the person he'd moved away from.

Next time he farted, he'd do the same thing in the opposite direction.

We asked him why he did it, he said "Because it's funny and where else could you get away with it?"   :: 

I've learned that when my hubbie makes a hasty exit from a supermarket aisle, the best thing to do is follow him..... fast!!

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## Thumper

> Oh Dusty I nearly burst my sides laughin that was soooooo funny.
> I remember being at a keepfit class many years ago. Now this particular night only a few select 'ladies' attended. 
> We were all on the floor on our bottoms with our legs stretched apart bending from side to side to the soft music......now in this position one has very little control of ones anal sphincter and the inevitable happened!!!! Very loudly and very squeakily, vibrating through the floorboards....and yes I confess it was me!!
> Not a face cracked.....All the 'ladies' carried on as though nothing had happened...so pointedly pretending that they hadn't heard!! It was this that got to me....I wanted to roar out laughing but I couldn't... I ended up a crumpled quivering wreck with tears of laughter running down my face and still they all carried on as though nothing had happened!!!
> I'm still chuckling now thinking of these poker faces! I'm sure they were all horrified!
> Evelyn


It was hard not to laugh Evelyn but I managed it :Wink:  :: x

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## unicorn

Dusty that was hilarious........
I was playing cards with a group of friends once, sitting on a wooden floor cross legged and as I bent forward the racket was deafening, it literally ricocheted off of every inch of floorboard, I never even knew it was coming!!!  ::  I was mortified and they just sat there motionless and pretended it had not happened  ::  That moment still makes me blush....

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## Sapphire2803

My cousin John and I went to the cinema to see Ghost (a few years ago now eh?)
It got to one of the gushy bits (can't remember which) and the cinema was silent. You could've heard a pin drop!
Well... John dropped one alright, but it wasn't a pin!!  :: 
It was probably the longest. loudest fart I've ever heard!
The whole place went into uproar, everyone was in hysterics, especially John.
For the rest of the film, every now and again someone would giggle and when the film ended and we got up to leave, several men shook his hand and congratulated him.
I didn't know it was possible for someone to blush that deep a shade of red!
 ::

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## scorrie

> It got to one of the gushy bits 
> 
> It was probably the longest. loudest fart I've ever heard!


Sorry, couldn't help editing your post.  :Wink:

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## Sapphire2803

> Sorry, couldn't help editing your post.


Now give me a word that I could've used in it's place. :Wink:  I nearly said sentimental, but I wouldn't credit it with that. Lol

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## Cedric Farthsbottom III

When the org world comes into real life.Billy Boy is definitely a better farter than Cedric.I have the scars to prove it.Ye took me unawares though Billy Boy,one day we will have oor Highlander match off----their will only be one!!!! ::  ::

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## brokencross

BOTI burps  (Better Out Than In)

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## Billy Boy

> When the org world comes into real life.Billy Boy is definitely a better farter than Cedric.I have the scars to prove it.Ye took me unawares though Billy Boy,one day we will have oor Highlander match off----their will only be one!!!!


 
An a canna wait as the saying goes "may the force be with you" and i have no doubts it will be with me ( as long as i dont follow through ) :: 

many moons ago Mrs BB helped me with a party trick and it near blew her eyeborws off lol.
You never know one day i might show you my impersonation of the burning flame of flota ::

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## Dusty

WeeBurd, evelyn, unicorn.
Fancy starting a Le Petomane tribute group?
We could go on X factor and I'm sure we would blow the competition away.  ::

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## Fluff

i quite often have wind, but i try to be discreet! i do remember once at school, in English the teacher told us to read the next chapter of the book we had been reading, 'the third man'. now for anyone who has read it may understand that i found it so so boring! the class was dead quiet, reading and i mean no one was talking (this being a room full of teenagers...)
i lent forward, and a fart escaped (you know the type, not much room between the buttocks so it is a right squeaker)
god this fart went on and on! the WHOLE class turned to look at me. i tried to keep a straight face but couldn't and started teetering (as did my friends)
the teacher then thanked me for my input and told us to keep reading....

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## lynne duncan

this thread must be a cure for any form of sadness, i haven't cried with laughter in a long time until reading this. bairns are wondering why tears all falling and can't speak cause i start again, 
it stops the world from being a boring place

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## ett23

My thoughts exactly lynne! My daughter's been trying to find out why I'm crying with laughter for the last 20 mins. Then hubby came in and I had to explain. I read him Dusty's story and we were both cracking up, then she finally understood - we're laughing about farts!!!  :: 

By the way, wind farms are where the wind comes from so if you ever wondered why Caithness is such a 'windy' place it's cos of all those blasted windmills up here!!!!  ::

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## WeeBurd

> My cousin John and I went to the cinema to see Ghost... snip


 
Sapphire, you've just reminded me of one of our funniest ever fart moments.

The Passion of The Christ had just been released, and with all the hype in the run up, MrBurd and I booked our tickets in advance thinking it would be busy. We contemplated buying some popcorn and juice, but figured it wasn't the kind of film you'd enjoy whilst snacking, after all, what would people think?  :: 

Suprisingly, the cinema was really empty, just a few people dotted around here and there. One particularly reserved old couple in the row in front of us, known to be ardent church go-ers. SO we settled in, sat through the trailers, and just before the movie started, two gentlemen came in - they had obviously been making the most of the bar facilities next door as they were quite vocal and demonstrative as they sorted themselves out. We were giggling already. Then the movie starts, the eerie opening scenes.... then ffrrrruuummmppp! One of the rascals let out the biggest fart ever! In the silence of the cinema! You could see everyones shoulders jiggling up and down as we all tried to stiffle our laughs. Just as I managed to calm my giggles, I'd catch sight of MrB chuckling and it would set me off again! Of all movies to fart in too!

The perpetrator may well be reading this, I hope he takes great pride in delivering one of the funniest cinema moments in my life  :: .

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## WeeBurd

I think this thread should come with it's own health warning - DO NOT READ WHIST SUFFERING FROM ANY FORM OF COUGH OR CHEST INFECTION.

I swear,  I am seriously coughing a lung up over here with laughing sooo much. Fluff,  you're squeaker just got me!  ::

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## scorrie

It has been good to see that others have also had their moments of embarrassment and amusement courtesy of the humble "Bottom Burp"

I'll share one final example:-

It was the finals of the County Snooker Champions in Wick and the Grand Final was in the Backer. Quite a crowd had assembled to watch the match, including all the owld mannies who loved their snooker. About half way into the first frame, one of the players reached down to play a very tricky shot. The crowd sensed the importance of the pot attempt and hush descended throughout the Stag Bar. Just as the boy pulled back his arm to begin the shot, owld Jimmy let off a cracker of a fart and the guy miscued his shot, with the cue ball jumping right off the table. The whole bar erupted into laughter and the only person unaware of why was Jimmy himself. Hoping to let Jimmy in on the reason we were all laughing, one guy shouted over "Hey, Jimmy, what was that you were saying?" Still looking puzzled, Jimmy replied "ME?, I never opened ma mooth!!"

The place erupted again, twice as loudly as previously!!

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## footie chick

> I think this thread should come with it's own health warning - DO NOT READ WHIST SUFFERING FROM ANY FORM OF COUGH OR CHEST INFECTION.


 
Should carry a health warning if your healthy or not most likely to cause the reader of this thread to burst out laughing at any given time of the day remembering what has been written.  :: 

Best thread I've read in ages keep the stories coming CLASSIC

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## ett23

> It has been good to see that others have also had their moments of embarrassment and amusement courtesy of the humble "Bottom Burp"
> 
> I'll share one final example:-
> 
> It was the finals of the County Snooker Champions in Wick and the Grand Final was in the Backer. Quite a crowd had assembled to watch the match, including all the owld mannies who loved their snooker. About half way into the first frame, one of the players reached down to play a very tricky shot. The crowd sensed the importance of the pot attempt and hush descended throughout the Stag Bar. Just as the boy pulled back his arm to begin the shot, owld Jimmy let off a cracker of a fart and the guy miscued his shot, with the cue ball jumping right off the table. The whole bar erupted into laughter and the only person unaware of why was Jimmy himself. Hoping to let Jimmy in on the reason we were all laughing, one guy shouted over "Hey, Jimmy, what was that you were saying?" Still looking puzzled, Jimmy replied "ME?, I never opened ma mooth!!"
> 
> The place erupted again, twice as loudly as previously!!


Scorrie where do you get these from? That was a cracker!!!! ::  ::

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## helenwyler

This thread has had me in minor convulsions!

I find farting a source of disproportionate amusement. The accoustic variations are fascinating...they almost have personalities - cheeky, sullen, ponderous, undecided, over-excited, brash...

I was brought up to regard farting as extremely ill-mannered, and to _ignore_ any mishaps.  My dad tried very hard to combat his body, but he occasionally didn't succeed and the offending parp would be followed immediately by a loud clearing of the throat, or a scaping of his shoe on the ground, in the hope we would be fooled.  I probably still have scars on my tongue from biting it while trying not to laugh!

Even the dog was admonished for his lapses in etiquette.  I can see it now.  He'd be asleep under my mum's feet, indulging in a little mental rabbit-chasing, and the thrill of the hunt would sometimes prove too much and he'd vent his excitement digestively.  Immediately he would be sharply nudged by my mum's foot and his name uttered in disapproval.......whereupon he would open one eye, lick his chops, sigh contentedly and go back to sleep :: !  

Priceless!

Dog-1
Mum-0

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## northener

Our old Lurcher used to wake up with a start when she farted, give me a disapproving stare and then grumble to herself as she settled down to sleep again.

Bloody dog, she was a typical woman - blaming a bloke........

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## Fluff

lol Helen you just reminded me of our family pet dog Bruno (some of you may be aware of the various legend's of Bruno anyway) i can recall once when we we in the kitchen (mum and I) preparing dinner or something and Bruno was in his usual place place, sitting in front of the workplace hoping for some miraculous flying food to come his way.
this pffrrttt comes out from Bruno, but he is confused! he turns to look at his bum as if 'what the?' 
then the smell devolps and he scarpers, he couldn't stand it! it was so funny but smelly!

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## scorrie

> Scorrie where do you get these from? That was a cracker!!!!


I would have said that I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, but I am not sure that is the case with farting!!

Perhaps it is hanging around in places where lager is consumed that leads to the frequency of "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind"  :Wink:

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## Sapphire2803

> I would have said that I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, but I am not sure that is the case with farting!!
> 
> Perhaps it is hanging around in places where lager is consumed that leads to the frequency of "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind"


This thread gets funnier every time I read it, especially your tales Scorrie.
I think I need to stay away, before I laugh myself into A&E!!  ::

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## Highland Laddie

> Something thats always confussed me is...why are most men adament that women do not pass wind at all??


Well i can give you an answer for that if you promise not to take offense

most blokes believe women don't fart, 
because they never shut their mouths long enough 
to build up enough pressure.  :Wink:

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## WeeBurd

Farting is not a laughing subject in the Burd residence tonight, WeeBurdie appears to have a bit of a bug  :: . Help!

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## Buttercup

> Farting is not a laughing subject in the Burd residence tonight, WeeBurdie appears to have a bit of a bug . Help!


Dangerous is she?  ::  Hope she gets better soon.

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## WeeBurd

> Dangerous is she?  Hope she gets better soon.


Thank you, Buttercup.  Erm, aye, bless her,  I think she'd be classified as a biological weapon of mass destruction  :: !  

She's out for the count at the moment,  but I'm almost afraid for the morning to come  :: ...

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## ett23

> Perhaps it is hanging around in places where lager is consumed that leads to the frequency of "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind"


So that's where I've been going wrong!!!  ::  ::

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## ett23

> Thank you, Buttercup. Erm, aye, bless her, I think she'd be classified as a biological weapon of mass destruction ! 
> 
> She's out for the count at the moment, but I'm almost afraid for the morning to come ...


It's amazing the bodies' ability to adapt to situations of low oxygen and high methane emissions. By morning time you'll wake to find the house filled with green smog - as they say "you could cut the atmosphere with a knife!"  ::

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## Sapphire2803

My Aunt used to call that "fogs of hot stink"
 ::

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## Whitewater

We had a dog that could be particularly smelly at times. She would sleep on the rug in front of the fire and let the odours waft through the house. However, if you let one go she would turn round, look at you in disgust and leave the room.

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## The Angel Of Death

> My ex oh had the most disgusting habbit of walking round shops,standing in the aisle and "letting one go" then quickly walking off,leaving me and the kids with an unearthy smell around us and looks of absolute disgust from other shoppers who turned down the aisle just after he dissapeared!


Think you will find thats called crop dusting  :Wink:

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## Flair

> My ex oh had the most disgusting habbit of walking round shops,standing in the aisle and "letting one go" then quickly walking off,leaving me and the kids with an unearthy smell around us and looks of absolute disgust from other shoppers who turned down the aisle just after he dissapeared!


Oh that just made my day right there.  ::

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## Scunner

Patient in the male ward of a hospital, referred to 'the dawn chorus'.

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## northener

> Patient in the male ward of a hospital, referred to 'the dawn chorus'.


Don't forget the 'Morning Glory' :Wink:

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## Tc4

I know its not something to be proud of but twice i have managed to clear a bar.

The first a very busy nite in the camps i managed to be sneaky and let one go, not paying attention i looked around the complete bar area was empty people clamering to get top the sides of the bar me standing there on my todd not much i could do to deny that one.

The next time was in the crown i dropped it and moved fast the next thing all the doors were opened and pretty much everyone was outside, got away with that one although the lads suspected me lol

Must have had some bad food those nights.

As for animals i know of a cat that loved to climb up and curl roud your neck the only problem was it would get up the get comfy and let one go. it would take a second to register but it was foul.

Tc4

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## The Angel Of Death

Cat farts are the worst absolutely silent but deadly almost started a fight we me and the wife over who dropped that one night 

Best thing was the cat was there on the bed with a look that butter wouldnt melt rotten ginger beast !!!

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## Sapphire2803

> Don't forget the 'Morning Glory'


How about "The Dutch Oven"

You know, the one where your other half lets one go in bed and then pulls the covers over your head!   ::

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## George Brims

One day at work last year I was waiting for the lift at work, and a colleague from another office on our floor joined me. Now we're on 6, the top floor. We get in and I push the button for 1 (the ground floor in American numbering). Then as the doors close it hits us. Someone has let go a truly terrible fart in there. As the lift goes down it slows coming to 5, and he turns to me and says "You know what's going to happen now?" The doors open and this gorgeous looking girl gets in and also hits 1. He looks at me and gives a shrug and a raise of the eyebrows that says "See? I knew it." Of course then it hits her too. She looks round at us as if trying to figure out which one looks the more likely culprit, and then hits 4, 3, and 2 in quick succession. She was too late for 4 but it stopped at 3. She turned again and glared at us both, then stomped off out of there. We managed to survive the journey to 1 but only just. Then just to cap it off another beautiful girl *who works in his group* gets in as we get out.

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## George Brims

I think it was Dave Allen who said there are always two questions when somebody farts in a crowded lift. 

1. How bad will it smell?

2. Will they know it was me?

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## lynne duncan

my daily entertainment, hubby is horrified and daughter amused at me rolling around in hysterics. (good clean fun!!!)

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## ett23

I agree lynne - about the daily entertainment - but not about the 'clean fun'!!!! ::  ::

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## AfternoonDelight

HA HAHAHAHAH!! Just found this thread and have been laughing hysterically for ages!! 

Reminds me of a story I heard once from a friend... He farted into a pringles tin and put the lid back on.  He then shoved the tin in his brothers face, expelling said fart - his brother then prceeded to spew the smell was so bad.

And apparently if you fart in your hand then stick it in someones face it is called cupcaking!  ::  ::

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## jings00

better an empty house than a rotten tennant.... and i believe years ago, in more genteel circles, the lady would put a folded&perfumed handkerchief between the cheeks of the buttocks to absorb any parps.(!)
my sister's dog wasn't well one night, he was sick, every time he retched he would fart and give himself a fright, shoot across the floor away from his butt, then retch, fart again, get a fright..shoot across the floor.....etc.. poor wee dog, but couldny pat him for laughin.
Then my dog farted and had the cheek to turn round and growl at me!! hmph.
One of my brother's likes to fart on long trips using public transport, it ensures some space for travelling :-)
Anyone ever had a sore fart? like if you are sitting on somethin hard, you fart with some velocity, but it just rattles the hips and ouch!!

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## joxville

We were together 14 years and in all that time I never heard my ex-wife fart, not even when she slept. 

Why don't women fart? I reckon it's lack of confidence. :Grin:

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## lynne duncan

nope we definitely do fart but we have become world experts at denying it!

i had forgotten about this thread, but i am now on my second tissue to mop up the tears after reading it again

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## scrabster view

Keep the stories coming - this thread has had me in fits of laughter for the last 20 minutes. ::

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## jings00

O whit a sleekit horrible beastie
lurks in yer belly efter a feastie
nae maiter fit ye dae
a'bdys gonnae huv tae pay
Even if you try to stifle 
it 's like a bullet oot o a rifle.
Haud yer bum tight to the chair
to try an  stop the leakin air,
shimmy yersel fae cheek to cheek
and pray to god it disna reek,
oot it comes like a clap o thunder
ricochets aroon the room
michty me a sonic boom
god almighty it fairly reeks
hope i hevna filled* ma breeks.

*changed to protect the innocent......
sent to me by a friend.

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## jings00

and even now, as we do speak
i swear my bum gave out a squeak :-)

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## grandma

How did I miss this thread in February?  It's the funniest thing I've read in ages.  I'm sore with laughing and I've run out of tissues to wipe my tear streaked face.  Keep them coming folks. And yes - I do fart and 9 times out of 10 they're the noisy kind with a real stinker the 10th time.

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## AfternoonDelight

Oh Grandma!!  ::

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## evelyn

Speaking of Grannies farting......my sister and I were so shocked the first time we heard my Granny fart that we can remember all sort o strange little details!!! Like the flower she was bending down to pick, how the sun was shining, and the exact skirt she was wearing....and how she pretended it hadn't happened but we knew!!!! That was 40 years ago!!!
It has the same feel to it as remembering what you were doing when it was announced that Kennedy had been shot!
evelyn

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## scorrie

> Speaking of Grannies farting......my sister and I were so shocked the first time we heard my Granny fart that we can remember all sort o strange little details!!! Like the flower she was bending down to pick, how the sun was shining, and the exact skirt she was wearing....and how she pretended it hadn't happened but we knew!!!! That was 40 years ago!!!
> It has the same feel to it as remembering what you were doing when it was announced that Kennedy had been shot!
> evelyn


Do you think there might have been a connection between that fart and the "shot" that killed Kennedy. Maybe the fatal bullet came from a Granny Knoll, rather than Grassy Knoll  :Wink:

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## domino

Is this thread not a bit long winded

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## AfternoonDelight

It seems to be hanging around like a bad smell...

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## joxville

Eventually it'll run out of gas. ::

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## evelyn

> Do you think there might have been a connection between that fart and the "shot" that killed Kennedy. Maybe the fatal bullet came from a Granny Knoll, rather than Grassy Knoll


Haha Scorrie, I love that theory.
evelyn

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## teenybash

I have just had the greatest laughing fit ever...........everyone who hasn't read this, should..............you will laugh all day tomorrow if you do...truly hilarious... ::

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## bluebell

This thread always makes me laugh ::

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## Welcomefamily

its nice to see a light airy sort of thread,

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## golach

> its nice to see a light airy sort of thread,


 Lol "Light and airy" but not fragrant  ::

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## Thumper

OMG! I had forgotten how funny this thread was....I have just spent 20 mins in hysterics!The tears are still rolling down my face!We need more fun threads like this one! x

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## Melancholy Man

<wipes coffee from screen>




> Now just hang on a minute!
> 
> Three posts all with women criticising blokes for farting?  Why do women always assume the offender must be male?


Because they are the only ones who do.  D'oh!




> Women! Get thee to Nunneries!!!!


Toilets there smell of lavendar.

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## pink

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LazXj...eature=related

oh my soooooo funny cross yer legs an get the tissues ready !!!!

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## joxville

Latest report on why *everyone* farts : 

http://uk.encarta.msn.com/encnet/Fea...ansMakeYouFart

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## northener

> Latest report on why *everyone* farts......


 
Nope, I fart purely for the sheer challenge and joy of it. Beans are an artificial aid and should be banned from the world of International Farting.

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## Welcomefamily

That quite a bit of green house gas even if its oly 1 in 4 producing methane.

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## Melancholy Man

Sorry, that was me.  Oh, no-one in the room with me.

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## bluebell

Found it.....
This makes me laugh every time,the dogs are looking at me as if I'm crazy ::

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## south view 7

And i thought it was windy yesterday untill i read this thread,gales of laughter and rivers of tears comeing from me just the thing on a cold miserable night......Let you"r wind be free,
                         where ere ye be,
                         in church or chapple,
                         let it rattle........... ::

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## horseman

Magic thread.thanks for bringing it back.I have a sore belly now from laughing,hope it dosent bring something on.

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## Vistravi

Absoulte class, i've been in stiches for the last 20 minutes  ::

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## doyle

Absolutely brill! Never laughed so much in a long time, my stomach muscles are sore! Better be careful with all this laughing just incase a wee beastie sneaks oot unexpected! My mum always lets one go whenever she bends down. When she gets up from her chair and walks to the living room door she farts continuously saying ooh! ooh! every time she does one - me and my OH just look at each other creasing ourselves. I was too embarrased to fart in front of my OH for the 1st couple of years, but after I got over the embarrasment of trying to keep them in, and failing, I gave up, and now i'm nearly as good as him! Saying that, when he lets one go in bed it riccoches off the mattress and you can see daylight between me and the bed with the fright I get!

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## highland red

My father was an epic boffer, and when my Mother used to scold him for it, he would always reply: "better an empty house than a bad tennant".

The old ones are the best. :Wink:

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## Saveman

I think we've found the orger level of humour.....  :Wink:

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## wicker8

hi its the best laugh i have had in ages you made my day  ::

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## poppett

A true comic revival for orger new recruits, and a trip down memory lane for the longer term posters.

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## northener

I'd forgotten how good this thread is, cheers for reviving it. ::

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## Hoida

Great post. My mother always said,"Where ere ye be let yer wind gang free"

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## Thumper

I was in a hotel with my Mum and my partner a few months ago for a meal,it was very quiet,infact we were the only ones in there until another couple came in.Anyway they sat over from us a bit and ordered their food and the lady got up to go to the loo leaving her husband at the table,I was talking to my Mum when the gentleman(I use the term loosely) leant over on to one hip and let off the biggest loudest fart I have ever heard! I couldnt believe it and waited a second thinking he would say sorry or at least look embarrassed but no he didnt bat an eye lid,I of course took to hysterics and the more my Mum told me to shut up the worse the laughter got,it didnt help that my partner kept saying things like "high wind always comes to rain" the tears were running down my face!The best bit though was the man got annoyed at me for laughing but I just couldnt help it!x

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## south view 7

That"s a cracker thumper, "it"s the way you smell em"..........

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## Vistravi

My partner farts constantly. He always puts a wee pose on before letting one go! He had my cat Caramel on his lap one time and he dropped a clap of thunder and Caramel sunk her claws in deeply making him jump three foot in the air. Caramel ended up thrown on the floor glaring at him. I couldn't speak for laughing at them both  ::  

There has only ever been one thing that was funnier than then....seeing my partner who has a tongue of steel running around like a fairy after biting into a chilli he thought was a runner bean  ::

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## lynne duncan

my most fabulous thread ever- always makes the tears come to my eyes and i agree thumper i would have been crying wae laughter at the table too!

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## George Brims

> As for animals i know of a cat that loved to climb up and curl round your neck the only problem was it would get up the get comfy and let one go. it would take a second to register but it was foul.


Our cat will let go a SBD fart when sitting in your lap. Fortunately she doesn't go in for neck-wrapping. That might prove fatal. We found when we stopped feeding her a certain very cheap brand of dry food she didn't do it so much. Now she just has fishy breath.

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## ClachanHope

> I was in a hotel with my Mum and my partner a few months ago for a meal,it was very quiet,infact we were the only ones in there until another couple came in.Anyway they sat over from us a bit and ordered their food and the lady got up to go to the loo leaving her husband at the table,I was talking to my Mum when the gentleman(I use the term loosely) leant over on to one hip and let off the biggest loudest fart I have ever heard! I couldnt believe it and waited a second thinking he would say sorry or at least look embarrassed but no he didnt bat an eye lid,I of course took to hysterics and the more my Mum told me to shut up the worse the laughter got,it didnt help that my partner kept saying things like "high wind always comes to rain" the tears were running down my face!The best bit though was the man got annoyed at me for laughing but I just couldnt help it!x



This is hilarious.!!!!  I ALWAYS laugh when some one farts. :: 

Women can fart better than men when they want.  
One day 3 freinds were travelling from Up West to Wick, 2men in the front of the car and the woman in the back.  
The woman had a bit of an upset tummy this day and let off quite a lot of silent and violent ones.  
Mr A who was the passenger, gave Mr B the driver a row for letting off such poisonous farts.  Mr B denied it all the way, but as Mr A explained, it must be him cos there were only 3 people in the car and he knew it wasn't himself who did it, and as a woman couldn't possibly make such a disgusting smell it was only Mr B to blame. :: 
They then stopped at Pennyland filling station to get some fuel.  Mr B got out to fillup and pay.  While he was out of the car, the "lady" in the back felt another one coming on.  But she couldn't let it go, cos then Mr A would know it was her who was smelling like a rotten drain.
So to make sure that Mr B got the blame, she held on tightly until he got back in the car and then let it go. 
Of course Mr A yelled at Mr B for being so rotten and asked why he couldn't have let it go before he got into the car.
The "lady" in the back sat and smiled to herself all the way to Wick  ::

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## lynne duncan

i used to be a prent when i was younger and sitting in the college one day, i thought i could slip out a quiet one, but to my dismay it weren't very quiet, you could have heard a pin drop and then from the row in front one of the lads pipes up i didna ken that lassies could fart. well i couldna stop laughing for the rest of the class.

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## ducati

As this thread is nearly 12 months old now and I cannot in all honesty say I have read it all...but..

I say to you all..

HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT  ::

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## Ash87

hahahahahahaha  :Smile: 

This thread is sooo funny!!!! Classic!  :Smile:

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