# General > Literature >  Limerick

## trinkie

There was an ould wifie fae Croxter
Who ran fae a sheepie 'at boxed her
If it wisna for tinks
'At were crossin' ai Links
She'd be blue fae her heels till her Oxter !!

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## Sporran

Thanks for starting this thread, trinkie! I love limericks!!  :Grin:  Here's one I've just made up aboot masel'!  :Wink: 

There wis a young lassie fae Thurso
Who married a Yankee some years ago
He then whisked her away
Fae that toon by the bay
An' noo she's a lang way hame til go!

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## Sporran

There wis an ould mannie fae Week
Got so drounk that he hardly could speak
When he got hame til bed
His ould wife she saw red
So he slept in 'e dowg hoose all week!

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## Sporran

There wis a young laddie fae Haster
Who choost couldna run ony faster
He put on roller skates
An' o'er took his young mates
An' waved at his mam as he passed her!

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## trinkie

A long legged lassie from Reay
Got on her bike one fine day
With all of her will
she pedalled until
She landed up in Dounreay....Hoo-ray !

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## trinkie

That silver-haired man from the Org
Got lost one dark night in the forg
He'd forgotten his key
Then stumbled, and he
Tripped over his shaggy-haired dorg.

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## trinkie

A strange little lassie from Week
With a nose just like that of a Peke
Got on the bus
And made such a fuss
When she thought she wis goin' till be seek !

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## trinkie

An Arty-farty from Lyth
Whose drawings were usually nythe
But I nearly fainted
When I saw what she'd painted - 
A Bowl of Red Goo and some Rythe !

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## Sporran

There once wis a wifie fae Keiss
Whose bairns widna gie her some peace
She packed up her beach bag
As she puffed on a fag
Then she wheeched the bairns all off till Reiss!

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## Sporran

There once wis a mannie fae Forss
Who rode into Thurso by horse
Dobbin sped to a gallop
Chiel fell doon wi' a wallop
Wis he sair? Yes indeed, aye of course!

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## Sporran

There wis a young groom fae Glengolly
Whose beautiful bride wis named Molly
They got married in June
Then went on honeymoon
And the very next year wis born Polly!

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## trinkie

A poor ould mannie fae Watten
Went oot in the sun - hat forgotten
His head turned bright red
So he went till his bed
Wi me - and sheets of soft cotton.

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## trinkie

A smart young lady from Dunnet
Was fond of wearing a Bunnet
She'd one with a rose
But it tickled her nose
So she stuck some daisies upon it.

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## Sporran

There once lived an artist in Paris
Who sported a beard like Rolf Harris
His name was Lautrec
Not born in Quebec
And he painted a woman named Alice.

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## trinkie

That venerable Old Man of Hoy 
One day when only a boy
Stood out in the water
Though he knew he didn't oughter
Then stayed, for the birds to enjoy.

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## trinkie

There was an ould mannie fae Milton
Who went out one day wi' his kilt on
The kep on his heed
Was pure Harris Tweed
His slippers, the finest Wilton.

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## trinkie

A strange little man from Dunbeath
Had only two or three teeth
When asked how he ate
he replied  'I lick my plate
and catch all the bits underneath.'

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## Lavenderblue2

There was a young man from Clyth
Who cut off his toe with a scythe
To the doc he did hobble
Without neer a wobble
And now he is merry and blythe.

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## Lavenderblue2

There was an old woman of Forss
Near pensionable age of course
She cleared out a press
Got in a terrible mess
And now she is full of remorse.

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## Lavenderblue2

There once was a little white doggie
Fell in love with an old tabby moggie
The tabby let fly
Nearly took out her eye
Now doggies decidedly groggy.

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## Sporran

It's St Paddy's Day today
March 17th, Monday
Are ye to be seen
Wearin' the green
Or do ye say "No way!"...?

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## honey

No Paddys day fun for me..
Im not an irishman you see
Ill have to say no way
Cos its no St Andrews day
So today im totally green free

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## trinkie

Said this wife  Its time I took steps
To thank you for all the Good Reps
When I peep in that boxie
I feel rather foxie
At the sly multilingual concepts !

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## Lavenderblue2

My friend, she was feeling quite ill.
so I told her she should take a pill.
she went to her bed,
her hubby, he said -
she then ordered a whopping half gill.

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## Lavenderblue2

This arguing show on the telly -
it gives me a pain in the belly!
Within public glare,
'dirty washing' they air;
Would I do it? Not on your nellie!!

LB  ::

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## 2little2late

There were two young boys they were Wickers
They both had a fetish for knickers,
They'd pinch them from lines,
and say "These are mines"
And sell them to buy three or four Snickers.

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## trinkie

There once was an egg, so Im told
Down a steep hill it was rolled
When it got to the bottom
It broke up and splot em
And the yolk was of purest fine gold !
.
A wifie, it says in a sonnet,
Was clad in her nicest spring bonnet,
With her egg all a-painted
The men nearly fainted
When they saw what shed drawn upon it !

Some bairnies went off to the hill
Rolling eggs, to them such a thrill
Each one as it rolled
Through the long grass and wold,
Ended up in the pond by the Mill.
.
The old man was looking so cockie
For his egg was made of dark chockie
But just as I feared
It smothered his beard
And the dog licked it off - Good old Jockie !

Then Grannie got up for her turn
Rolled her egg richt into the burn
So we gave her another
Cos shes somebodies mother,
And she promised not ever to Girn !

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## trinkie

Well my egg rolled on for a mile
And I chased it for quite a while
I bent down to retrieve it
And couldnt believe it
As it continued right over the style !

So over the style I did go
Heights are not for me, as you know
But once safely down
I started to frown
As the egg stopped right there by my toe.

Slowly I bent myself over
The egg, my gloved hand did hover
I picked it up gently
Went back to the Bentley
Head spinning as tho I were in clover.
..
What a day weve all had Egg Rolling
Much more fun than Ten Pin Bowling.
Youre never too old
Whether shy or bold
Just carry on till the bells they are Tolling !

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## Sporran

No Easter choccie for me
I'm on a diet you see
A boiled egg instead
A slice of crispbread
And a cup of healthy green tea.

I'm feeling a bit like a rabbit
With this daily raw vegetable habit
I eat salads galore
Which I do adore
If I see you with one, I might grab it!  ::

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## trinkie

Poor Sporran I hear ‘s on a diet,
I’m ploomp myself, cant deny it.
No more elasticity
I’ve succombed to obesity
And enjoy a fresh egg if I fry it !

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## honey

today i gave out a "yipee"
cos soon ill have a real pattie
ill be home in twa week
and the 1st thing ill seek
is a supper from robins chippy!!

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## Sporran

Oh honey, you're a bit of a tease
No more talk of chippy suppers, please!  :Wink: 
If one passes my lips
It goes straight to my hips
And stays there forever with ease!  ::

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## honey

so sorry sporran, but its one thing i miss
mince n tatties in batter just tastes bliss
i tried to make them mysel
but they didnt turn oot well
so its back to the chippy for this..

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## Sporran

I remember the Thurso chippies well
From many years ago, the truth to tell
Steven's on Durness Street
And Brass's both a treat
Such tasty battered suppers they did sell!  ::

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## honey

And what about the bakeries too
Johnstone's and Budge's are just two
i really miss a shell pie
cos down here they are to dry
Mmmm, johstones make the best - tis true

(im glad im coming home on the 7th, im getting hungry!!! )

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## Sporran

Sutherland's was next to the GPO 
Another fave bakery, where folk would go
Fairy cakes of dainty size
Butt'ries and round meat pies
A whiff of those, and it was hard to say no!

Then there was Cardosi's and Craig's icecream
Both a creamy white delicious dream
Its good taste made you glad
If you were a lass or a lad
'Twas the best icecream I think I've ever had!

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## Sporran

Imagine fake White Cliffs of Dunnet
With a coat of paint upon it
An unusual sight
But would it be right?
I'm glad to hear they've not done it!

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## trinkie

A wifie who found herself hired
Did the job but was never admired
Then the bairns started grumbling
And was heard to be mumbling
Grannie, were sorry  youre fired!

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## trinkie

Are you serious? was grannies reply
With a wicked glint in her eye,
Now dont be so cocky
Wee Chamie an Chocky
Then she baked them an apple pie !

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## Sporran

Oh grannie, now wasn't that neat?
You baked them an apple pie sweet
I'll bet they were pleased
And both so appeased
After eating that delicious treat!  :Smile:

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## trinkie

A poor ould mannie fae Ousdale,
Always the last, like the cows tail.
But after a curry
He just had to hurry
But never quite made it to Ousdale !
..
A man who had climbed ower the Ord
Just stood there and said "Oh my word 
Chist look at e view 
Oer there by that coo "
Then knelt down and said Thank the Lord !
.
Ould Chimmie fa bides up in Huna
On his fiddle could play a fine tun-a
But a string it did break
For Goodness sake !
Now he roams all the nicht neath the moon-a
.
A lassie was sobbing in Rattar
When asked  " Oh my dear, whats the matter ?"
She heaved a big sigh
An the tear in her eye
Rolled doon on her frock with a clatter.

Young Annie fa lives up in Corsback
Was ever so good on e horseback,
She would gallop for miles
And jump over styles,
But fell on her rear mid a gorse-pack.

A poor ould soul up in Brough
Felt he hed just eneouch
O his wifes bad cooking
An she wisna good-looking !
So he went off and swam in e Loch.

A Lady who lives in Bower
In a lofty ivory tower,
Had her nose in the air
And her bum on a chair
Her minions she called "Such a shower ! "
.
Wullie went off to Buldoo
In search of his long lost coo,
And there by the dyke
Stuck on a spike
Was Daisy, trying to Moo !
..

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## Sporran

There once was a man called the Hulk
With strong muscles of very great bulk
His skin was green
And he looked mean
Quick to anger, and no time to sulk!

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## joxville

> Ah lek a Scots actor named Ewan
> He's in several movies fur viewan'
> He wis born in sma' toon o' Crieff
> Choost look at him noo, guid grief!
> Til see him perform folks are queuan'!


I wish I had read this earlier. It answers one of the question's in tonight's Caithness.org quiz: In which town was Ewan McGregor born? I said Perth lol

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## Sporran

I'm afraid I have lost my muse
Can't write anything to amuse
I hope it comes back
My writing does lack
It needs inspirational cues!

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## Sporran

Despicable events at Amstetten
Unbelievable and upsettin'
Shocking, but they were true
It has rocked the world's view
Will Fritzl get what he is due???

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## trinkie

A lassie who wance lived in Watten
Wad dress in the finest of cotton
From the crack of dawn
She was clad in soft Lawn
But at night it was all forgotten.
..
I met a young lad down in Larel
But always it ended in quarrel.
Oh the things that he said
Boot my dress made in red
It seems he preferred me in floral.

I wandered one day, round by Forss,
Twas windy up there, but of course,
I wore a big coat
Gravat at my throat,
An still Im a wee bittie hoarse.

I will never find myself bored
Cos my thoughts from Over the Ord
Take me down Memry Lane
With Bella and Chane
In wur little ould car called E Ford !
..
For those who are weary of heart,
Just sit back and smile for a start,
Then think of a song
It wont take too long
For your cares and your woes to depart. 
.

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## Sporran

There's a man we know as dellwak
Loves to cook, and he's got the knack!
He shares his recipes
For food that's sure to please
Let's hope he'll post more when he's back!  ::

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## dellwak

The missus a mate and me
Went to find something for tea
Take some tatties and peas
some mince and some fleas
And fry em together, serves three

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## Sporran

> The missus a mate and me
> Went to find something for tea
> Take some tatties and peas
> some mince and some fleas
> And fry em together, serves three


If you serve me mince, tatties and peas
I beg you to not include fleas
On bugs I don't dine
But peas are just fine
And maybe some diced carrots, please.

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## trinkie

A subject sae dear tae ma hert is
A dish o best mince and some tatties
Green peas and an engin,
My taste buds are singing,
The Asians can keep their chappatties !

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## trinkie

Some fleas in yur mince - Not for me !
Twould spoil the whole dish  dont you see,
As would slugs and snails
Or puppy dogs tails,
Neeps are much better  dye agree ?

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## trinkie

The Italians would add a tomato
Some garlic and herbs origano
Then serve it with pasta
Add parmesanna
Cos they dinna ken better, poor Cardosso !

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## helenwyler

The Latinos think it is natty
To serve mince without any tatty
They think it's nice
With chilli and rice
But of course that is perfectly batty.  :Wink:

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## Sporran

> A subject sae dear tae ma hert is
> A dish o best mince and some tatties
> Green peas and an engin,
> My taste buds are singing,
> The Asians can keep their chappatties !


Adding engin for flavour is good
And even some white mealy pudd
Served with white fluffy mash
Salt and pepper, a dash
Mince 'n' tatties, a fave Scottish food!  :Smile:

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## Sporran

> Adding engin for flavour is good
> And even some white mealy pudd
> Served with white fluffy mash
> Salt and pepper, a dash
> Mince 'n' tatties, a fave Scottish food!


Then there's also delish shepherd's pie
I like that too, can't tell a lie
Mince on bottom, mash on top
Into oven it is popped
When it's ready, kiss your diet goodbye!

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## trinkie

Willdig Miller wad stuff some in pastry
Made wi care, he never was hastry.
In the middle a hole
And there he would dole
A the mince so delicious an tastry.
..
Geordie Doull wad make a fine sausage
Tae a skin he wad squeeze in the pottage
At home ye wad fry id
In lard  go on try id.
The aroma wad fill yur wee cottage.
.

Now a sausage was put in a bun
Wi some mustard or sauce just for fun
If you added some pickle
Yur taste buds to tickle
Yed find yursel on the run!!

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## honey

but how do you prepare your mince
is it browned then given a rinse?
mam thinks this is a waste
as it takes away the taste
but i think shes talkin, well... mince!

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## trinkie

I brown it in oil with an engin
Chop it up with a fork  as I'm singin
Then add some stock
Good stuff  nae trock,
An' a few good vegies I fling in.

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## Sporran

Dreamt I went on a date with George Clooney
He made me feel ever so swooney
We ate caviar
Took a spin in his car
It was great, I felt over the mooney!  :Grin: 

He said to me, "Dear lady Sporran
Your accent's a little bit foreign"
I said, "I'm a Scot
A Yank I am not
How about a wee deoch-an-doran* ?"



* Dorus is the correct word, but with limericks, it's acceptable to change a word slightly for the sake of rhyme. For those who don't know what a deoch-an-dorus is, it's a parting drink, as in the old song "Just a Wee Deoch-an-Dorus", sung by Scottish music hall entertainer Harry Lauder. Andy Stewart of White Heather Club fame would often sing it too.

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## teenybash

Dame Sybil thought she was good,
at making old fashioned plum pud,
All eyes would gleam,
as she served it with cream,
and herself....entirely nude!!!!!

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## Sporran

The hot, humid days over here
Are making me wilt, I fear
"The temp is too high!"
I say with a sigh
As hubby drinks down a cold beer

He asks if I'd fancy some wine
Says I, "That sounds divine!"
"It would be very nice
In a tall glass with ice
That would suit me just perfectly fine!"  ::

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## Invisible

A man went into a cafe
And decided to have a laugh-e
Put banana skin on the floor
The waitress skidded into the door
And then he went back to his coffee

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## raymac

When out with my darling shopping
Between woolies boots and reids we'll be hopping
Up and down every isle
just makes me feel vile
This activity I'll surely be dropping

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## Sporran

My husband likes to shop for tools
While I'd rather look at fine jewels
Pretty stones I adore
Those tools are a bore
But hubby thinks they are so cool!

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## raymac

a wifie that's got a sore head

from lying to long in her bed

woke at one o'clock with a fright

cos it was day and not night

did not get up just turned over instead

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## trinkie

A lassie who just turned over
Dreamt she lay in a bed of clover
Well, its not very nice
If your crispies of rice
Are all soggy, and dont Crackle moreover

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## trinkie

I lay in my bed one fine morning
Just as the day was a-dawning
My fella - good looking-
Had started the cooking
With bacon he sure has a calling.

The eggs he has fried to perfection
Yolk runny, delightful delection!
I dip in my toast
Pardon me if I boast,
It sure does enhance my complexion.

The mushrooms are cooked in some butter
The taste of it all makes me flutter
Youve spotted Im sure
Im a real epicure
This is good I manage to utter.

The tray is now taken away
And down on the pillow I lay
My head, Oh so happy
My handsome old chappie
The dishes he'll do sans delay.

Much later, I really must rise
Rub the sleep from my eyes
But I havent a hunch
What hell cook for my lunch
I await my culinary surprise .

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## raymac

craig was giving some lip
so kate gave him a nip
if he tries it once more
he'll be lying on the floor
cos becky's going to give him a hit.

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## trinkie

Now Craig dont do that again
Your causing poor Becky much pain
If Kate goes to nip
Just give her the slip
Then kiss and be good friends again.J

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## trinkie

I remember so fondly, my dad
In his youth a most handsome lad
His games and his joking
How I wished hed stop smoking
For life now without him is sad.

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## Sporran

Be proud of your own dear old dad
He's there for you in good times and bad
Supportive and giving
He works hard for a living
A good man to look up to - your dad.

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## Sporran

The photos taken by North Light
Are such a visual delight
They're a treat to the eye
We cannot deny
They're a truly wonderful sight!

And then there are the pics by Dellwak
With his new camera, he's got the knack
He takes pics of Germanee 
For the likes of you and me
They're so beautiful, I want to go back!  ::

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## trinkie

There once was a lassie called Cyd
Dancing with style s what she did
With Astaire and Gene Kelly
On big screen and telly
No one could beat her  our kid !

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## Sporran

Cyd Charisse was stunning and danced with grace
She had a beautiful body and face
With Fred and Gene
She stole the scene
Now she's with them in a Heavenly place.

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## Sporran

There's a young lad fae Thurso called Lyle
He plays guitar with fabulous style
His talent he can't disguise
On TV he won a prize
His guitar riffs really do beguile!  ::

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## Sporran

I love the photography forum
So picturesque and never borin'
Photos of land and sea
Fill me with so much glee
Castles and flowers - I adore 'em! 

The pics of all creatures great and small
A source of enjoyment to us all
Whether animal that's wild
Or a favourite pet of child
They certainly manage to enthrall!

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## Sporran

I've got to hand it to "jockplastic"
His old photos are fantastic
He posts a superb pick
Of Thurso and Wick
Time to go, before I get bombastic!  :Wink:

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## Sporran

Percy asks where we'd like to migrate
What place do you think is first rate?
Would it be far away
Or somewhere in UK?
Are you happy within your own gate?

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## trinkie

A lad who once kept us amused
With his pictures of Thursos great views !
The stories he told of the new and the old
Helped many who were rather confused.

The history he knew of the place
Hed put a name to many a face
Old streets and locations  your faithers relations
Hed tell ye with style and with grace.

We welcome ye back Thirsaloon
Its so good to have ye aroon
We hope you have more of the scenes we adore
Of your lovely old quaint Thurso Toon !

_from a Weeker !!_

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## Sporran

Welcome back Thirsaloon, long lost pal
Ye've bin missed too by this Caithness gal
Lookin' forward til mair photies
O' aald Thirsa scenes an' folkies
An' 'e stories aboot them that enthraal!

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## Sporran

The summer sales have filled me with glee
I found some bargains that made me happee
A slinky black dress
In which I hope to impress
And pretty pastel tops that look good on me!  ::

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## golach

There once was a lass
Called Coleen
Who lived on distilled
Kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never
Benzene.
Courtesy of Moira Cutter Edinburgh 7

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## Sporran

Good one! I like that, golach!  ::

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## Sporran

August's the month of Leo the lion
They're born leaders, there's no denyin'
They're known world wide
To always take pride
Strut your stuff, strong Leo the lion!  ::

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## teenybash

Great one Sporran...certainly appeals to this Leo lady..... :Grin:

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## Sporran

> Great one Sporran...certainly appeals to this Leo lady.....


Glad you like it, teenybash!  :Grin:

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## Sporran

September's the month of perfectionist Virgo
Perhaps they'd make good neighbours for Margo?
Refined and polite
They like things done just right
Would they feel out of place in Key Largo?  :Wink: 


Note: The title of "The Good Life" British sitcom (mid 70s, starring Penelope Keith as Margo), was changed to "Good Neighbors" when it was shown in the USA in the early 80s. Key Largo is the first and largest of the Florida Keys chain of islands, where life is casual and relaxed - and you leave your neck ties and high heels at home! I'm not sure that Margo would quite fit in there!  ::

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## Sporran

Angela's got a new pet, a tabby kitten
And no doubt with it, she's really smitten
With big eyes and soft fur
And a sweet little purr
What a nice pet to have, a little kitten!  :Smile:

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## trinkie

Two cyclists are heading up north
Pedalling for all they are worth
They both get my vote
In the rain they just float
With big smiles till they reach Pentland  Firth.

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## trinkie

How it rained as they cycled o'er  Devon
Rheg thought  ' Not my idea of heaven ?  '
Up and down dales such sighs and such  wails
With determination they were driven.

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## redeyedtreefrog

Acupuncture's a load of claptrap
So's all this homeopathy crap
Star signs, UFOs
So-called "psychic" wackos
All could end up a deathtrap

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## Kenn

Oh dear, redeyedfrog's a non believer
In therapies and diver,
Now should he fall ill,
Will he just take a pill
Or head for the the cleaver?

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## redeyedtreefrog

If I'm unlucky enough to fall ill
I shan't take a plain sugar pill
I'll go see my GP
Ask if he'll prescribe me
Something without an effectiveness of nil...

But Lizz, on the other hand
Will she get therapies that should be banned?
Like needles and pins
Stuck into your shins
Or the wave of a magic wand?

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