# General > Literature >  Jessie Banks fae Mey

## The Pepsi Challenge

Hello, a'bdy, and gid morneen til e all. 

Jessie Banks is ma name. Am an 80-year-owld speenster and I live in ma wee crofty here in Mey. I hev decided to write a wee bloggy aboot my life and all eh hings me and wee dowgie Choppers get up til. I call eh dowg at because he's afil fond o a peece o meit. But hell, hev things no cheynged ower eh years here in Mey. Wance fill of hunners o cuzeens, crofts, and freens, Mey's no quite e same as hid used til be. Mercy, no. All iss incomers, weendmills, and eh loss o eh local post offece, has put me at a reicht low. Ham no as fit as I used til be, boy, but I can still dock eh neeps in eh hard frost, and I lek nuheen better than til listen til eh Barrock cowboy on eh wireless when I'm no playing eh bingo, eh lottery, or wakinn eh dowg doon Jocky's rod err. 

Chist last week err I hed Graham Beggs come oot til put in iss hing called eh Internet but I canna fur eh life o me find oot how to pit hid on Page 101 fur eh news. Eh wee loonie that pit id in says Ceefax is now called eh Internet, but my wee dowgie didn't seem too enamored way what he said, either. Wance a got a had o it tho, it wez chist lek watter off a duckies back. Now I'm on til an online dating site and nixt week I'll be meeting some chill from Staxigoe at eh Mackay's hotel in Week for a drammy or two. I howp he's now a slounk, and I howp he's no efter a qweek jump, either, because by Christ I'll put im in his place. No til worry, tho, I've got my wee dowgie here til look efter me. 

Wish me luck, and good health til e all! 

Chessie.

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## David Banks

Hallo Chessie, Far aboot in Mey is yer croftie?
Ma grandfaither's fowks were from Sunnybrae in Easy Mey, but they telt me there wis three or four Banks families in Mey, who were no related atall as far as they could tell. Ma grandfaither lived choost across e main roddie from Mackay's smiddie.

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## The Pepsi Challenge

Yiss, Davie, there's been so many Bankses living in Mey ower eh years, they dinna hev so much a family tree as a stump e meicht say. And I widna want till disclose eh exact locashan o my crofty, Davie, fur there's chist some hings e dinna want till give oot on the Ceefax, e ken. Mind e, what I wull say heiz, is, stand at eh top of Jocky's Rod, stick yer shneb oot till eh wind and wait fur eh smell of ma beisted cheese. Hid'll no take e long till figure whur a am then.

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## John Little

Hello Chessie.

did ye ivvur notice at on e net ere are some people fa are ivvur ready till pour cowld water on things?  id diz no matter at they are no particularly interested in e topic o conversation, nor they choost get iss urge till say something slightly slanted.  ah div no ken why they div iss - they maun get something oot o id, nor damn me if ah can understand why.  ah don't ken why nor ere is wan particular person fa diz id, an every time he diz id ah get a mental picture in ma heyd o private fraser in dad's army crouched ower a coffin lid counting his silver. weird.  can ye tell me why iss micht be?

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## The Pepsi Challenge

Mercy, yes, Chonny. If fowks are no gurnin aboot wan hing, it's anither. Am chist seek o id all. Chist seek o hid. A damn good slap wid sort them oot wance and fur all. Me, if I need til let off some steam, I chist put my han' behind eh kist, grab ma bottly of OVD Rum, powr masel a drammy, and sit doon til eh crossword. 

Anyway, nivir mind at now. I'm sure ye'll all be wantin to hear aboot my hot date at eh weekend, err. Weel, tune in eh morn and I'll tell e all aboot hid then. Reicht, I better go now, at dam dowg is barkin at me for his meit. He's a damn pest o a dowg.

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## John Little

well Chessie -
thanks for e good advice ye hev given me - i'll mind id well.  ah think ye should set up as e forum agony aunt for ye obviously hev a store o good sense at some fowk could learn fey. hope ye enjoyed yur hot date - fit-na night-spot did ye hit?  best wishes an gie e wee dog a pat fey me.

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## ducati

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## John Little

oh ye are a smooth talking fellow - well she may yet fall for yur wiles nor ah wait wi baited breyth till see fit chessie makes o yur tempting offers - such blandishments!  beanie hat an a - an a till a poor spinster lady an a.

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## wicker8

> hello, a'bdy, and gid morneen til e all. 
> 
> Jessie banks is ma name. Am an 80-year-owld speenster and i live in ma wee crofty here in mey. I hev decided to write a wee bloggy aboot my life and all eh hings me and wee dowgie choppers get up til. I call eh dowg at because he's afil fond o a peece o meit. But hell, hev things no cheynged ower eh years here in mey. Wance fill of hunners o cuzeens, crofts, and freens, mey's no quite e same as hid used til be. Mercy, no. All iss incomers, weendmills, and eh loss o eh local post offece, has put me at a reicht low. Ham no as fit as i used til be, boy, but i can still dock eh neeps in eh hard frost, and i lek nuheen better than til listen til eh barrock cowboy on eh wireless when i'm no playing eh bingo, eh lottery, or wakinn eh dowg doon jocky's rod err. 
> 
> Chist last week err i hed graham beggs come oot til put in iss hing called eh internet but i canna fur eh life o me find oot how to pit hid on page 101 fur eh news. Eh wee loonie that pit id in says ceefax is now called eh internet, but my wee dowgie didn't seem too enamored way what he said, either. Wance a got a had o it tho, it wez chist lek watter off a duckies back. Now i'm on til an online dating site and nixt week i'll be meeting some chill from staxigoe at eh mackay's hotel in week for a drammy or two. I howp he's now a slounk, and i howp he's no efter a qweek jump, either, because by christ i'll put im in his place. No til worry, tho, i've got my wee dowgie here til look efter me. 
> 
> Wish me luck, and good health til e all! 
> 
> Chessie.


brilliant just brilliant

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## The Pepsi Challenge

Weel, fowkies, eh last few days have been nuheen short o a complete blank. 

It all started on Friday neicht, when I took a taxi - or, Ronnie Cormack's Massey Ferguson if you want till be be perfectly formal aboot hid - through till Week to see ma new beau.

It's been eh first time I'd been til see a man since my deid husband Jock came to a grisly end at a ferm in Gills when eh drunken brute drooned in a sheep dip whilst looking for his bottly o chin under a patch o neeps. It's fair til say we hedna hed eh most loveen o relationships towards eh eind, but I've missed him just as bad as missing an episode of Bullseye on the telly. Fur a whiley people's towngz were waggin all across Kaithness like a sock in a gale, sayin I'd bumped him off for getting on ma wick wance too often. Now I'm no sayin a didna enchoy eh insurance money I got courtesy o Jock's deith, bit murder's a bitty far fetched for an owld biddy lek me. 

Anyway, where wiz ah? O yes, we were in eh tractor passing Grots when I mint aboot ma false teeth which I'd left sitting above eh sink in ma kitcheen. Too late to turn back, we decided til stop at Bessie Budge's hoosie as she heyz a spare pair o dentures. Ah didna stop her purring me up aboot ma hot date though. Ho no. She said he meicht me wan o eeze chet-setters lookin till romance me by takin me abroad to some romantic destination. I telt her I'd been abrawd many times, eh last time being doon till Helmsdale, and eh time i went ower seas til Kirkwall. At eh time, I couldna understand why eh doctor in Canisbay was laffin at me for wantin till see if I needed injections fur travellin at far. 

Anyway, when we eventually got intil Week it was almost nine at neicht and my date had left thinking I'd stood him up. I reflected on eh fact I probably shouldna have stopped at Keiss fur a couple a drammies, and consoled masel way a triple rum at eh bar in eh hotel. At was when I noticed some chill sitting next til me howldin a neep in his lap, and a copy o eh Groat in his han. I'm no eh sort that leks till keep quait for too long, so I tentatively asked him if I could look ower eh court pages till see which wan o eh Week tinks wiz gettin up til divilment now. 

"Mercy!" he shouted at me. "Chessie. Is at e?"

"Hell, it's you, Davie?" I retorted. 

My God. Iss was Davie Robertson, a mannie I'd no seen since eh Lybster gala riots back in '51. 

"What are e doin in eh far east here?" he went on.

"Weel, Davie, I wiz meant to be meeting a hot date, but he's vanished. I hed a look roond at eh public bar, err, to see if he meicht be havin a toddy for Dutch courage, but there's at many slounks in err, it wiz lek tryin to find a spare neep in blin drift."

"At's hellish, Chessie. A man turnin doon eh chance to hook up with such a bonnie wifie such as yersel. Hell, I'd gie him a damn good slap for bein so stupeed. Weel, seein as he's no here, how about I treat e till a bowlie o soup?"

And ats when it all went till hell. 

Ower the course o eh nixt five oors, we traipsed every bar in toon lek a doung-spreader rattlin through a field. We pertied lek it was 1899, and at wan point I danced so hard I sprained my ankle. I didna want till slow Davie up, but he insisted we go till eh hospital. Weel, I went in way a sprained ankle and came oot way three different viruses that I couldna pronounce, let alone spell. 

Ah wiz at fill, I never noticed eh pain anyway, and spent eh rest o eh nicht playin derts at the Seaman's Hall as weel as tryin to stop a feicht between the natives of Pultney and eh tea-in-a-bowlies from the Wild West - or Thirsa as my mither would call hid. 

Davie, meanwhile, weyz lying unconscious under eh pool table, howldin ontil his bottle of rum lek it was a soft pillow. There weyz a reicht rumpus goin on now, but I didna want to phone eh Bobbies purely because I didna want till waken them oot their beds at iss time of neicht. 

Now, it wisna eh first time I hed kerried bags of neeps on my back, so within twa meenids - and hevin geen them all a damn good ringer o a slap - I flung them ower my back, and dumped them in the skip ootside lek Johnny Begg dumpin a bale o hay intil a Mey field. 

For my efforts, the barman set up a new gless and a full bottle o OVD chist for me till say thanks. By eh time I got till e bottom, the amount of drink I'd hed made me think everyone in the bar had mutated into animals you're more lekely till see at eh Coonty show. Then again, I meicht no have been hallucinating at all. It was then I cowped and fell into a deep sleep efter tryin to hold a conversation aboot diesel engines way some chill from Dirlot.

When I rose three days later, I found myself lying in a field surrounded by water. Beside me was Davie. As I tried to waken him, he looked at me the same way as a dowg wid look if you tried tellin him a joke. I looked oot yinder and noticed we werena at far from home at all - it's chist we were sitting on Stroma at eh time. 

"Davie," I said. "What in the hell hev we been playing at? How in eh hell did we get here?"

Davie, who could only speak in single syllables at eh best o times anyway, tried to utter a few wordies, that, at best, sounded lek a bull with constipation. 

Luckily, there was a peedie boaty in eh harbour. I dived in, grabbed eh oars and heided towards Gills. I was in such a daze I forgot all aboot Davie until I wiz halfway across.

I could chist make oot his danglin airms as he waved frantically till me.

"Chessie, where you goin? Come back!" he roared. 

"Dinna worry, Davie," I shouted back. "I'll be back till pick ye up eh morn." 

Lookin back, I suppose I should hev turned roon and got him. However, it was gettin on for 7pm. Efter all, it was bingo neicht in eh Mey hall, and I wisna missing at fur no chill. No chill.

Good health, a'body!

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## Tubthumper

Chessie, ma grandfaither is of a similar age tae yersel, wi a wee bit croftie oot by Janetstoon on 'e Thirsa side. He hes twa piggies and a plasma TV, but he's gone clean wrong aboot 'is wurld-wide web affair. 
Ah bocht him 'e 'Intelt Inside' typewriter an telly bittys, but at 92 years owld he's chust too thrawn to listen to ma advice on using hid. He's neglectin his croftly duties to 'e puir piggies an spending every 'oor perusin' picters of yowng laskies wi their simmads off. Hid's chust pornography, worse than when he wis yownger and dribblin ower the girdles and corsets in 'e Kays catalogue back in 'e day.
Ah'm choost black affronted by his behaviour, an ah'm wondering - as yer obviously a wummin of great strength and moral fibre, wid ye hev the time to take 'e owld beggar in hand and wean 'im off this fulth?
(By 'e way, he has a great big investment in 'e Rio Tinto Zinc, and no dependants - we're no want'n hid til go tae the piggies home or to thon hoors on the internet!)

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## neelie

is hes really made me laugh.  ma great granny really was jessie banks fae mey.  canna imagine what she would have made o all e new tecnology.

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## John Little

Hi chessie. am richt puzzled by something ah choost saw on e internet. ah wiz looking at google earth an ah spied at ere is an underwater structure choost outside e harbour entrance at wick. now ah hev been quite interested lately till be reading aboot civilisations at may hev existed afore e last ice age an become submerged fan e ice melted 10, 000 years ago.  sa putting twa an twa together id seems till me at therre is a likeliehood at wick may be e lost city o atlantis. div ye think?

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## Wellies

My Granny was also Jessie Banks from Mey, and I think she would have thrown out all the new technology  ::

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## Tubthumper

> Hi chessie. am richt puzzled by something ah choost saw on e internet. ah wiz looking at google earth an ah spied at ere is an underwater structure choost outside e harbour entrance at wick. now ah hev been quite interested lately till be reading aboot civilisations at may hev existed afore e last ice age an become submerged fan e ice melted 10, 000 years ago.  sa putting twa an twa together id seems till me at therre is a likeliehood at wick may be e lost city o atlantis. div ye think?


Wul need til' get 'e Coastguardies oot on 'is ane. If hid's loast, 'ats 'e chiles til find 'er.
Oh, haud on...

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## John Little

Well now chessie - it's been a wee while since ah posted on iss thread nor ah hev hed no response except for tubbie till ma query aboot wick being e lost city o atlantis.  tubs thocht at e coastguard micht be able till find id nor ah hev heard naucht since.  ah suppose wi e present troubles e coastguard micht be a wee bit stretched, nor ah wiz hoping at someone wid get roond till id.  after a id wid be quite something if wick turned oot till be e cradle o civilisation now wid id not?  ah ken for a fact at some o e oldest rocks in e world are found up ere - ower 4000 million years all sa is id pushing id too far till think at e submerged structure choost outside e harbour could be e ruins o e gret legendary city submerged sa many years ago?
the implications wid be enormous. on id - a e tourist money flooding in wid make e loch ness monster look lek an amateur's dream.  david attenborough wid div a special on id, geordag alagiah wid put id at e tap o e news, an maybe at fiona bruce wid come for a few bevvies an hev a look.

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## Margaret M.

I seldom visit any forum other than General and Pets, but I need to get around the others more.   This thread is the best I have read in a long time.  Great stuff, Pepsi!!  I'd love to hear more from Chessie.  Kudos to Tubs and John Little for their contributions!

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## The Pepsi Challenge

Had yer horses e lot. Chessie's here all right - and she's aboot ready till get back on her high horse. Heid's been an affal busy whiley fur me lately. I've hed neeps till dock, doung-spreaders till weld, and twa dizen cases of OVD Rum, brought back from my sister Nelly's trip till Majorca, till get through. Will e no gie us peyace for wan meenid for God's sake? 

I mean, hell, chist yesterday I hed a pest o' a fox try till nab ma chickens oot eh back err. Weel, I pit twa holes clean through him way ma shotgun. Mercy, boy, you could hev blawn through e beast lek a whistle efter I weyz feenished way um. 

Anyway, I better go. I've got a hell o a cowld at the moment - am chist chokkd way id. I've got a dreeb hinging from ma noze, swollen tonsils eh size of Jock MaGreeger's hay bales, as weel as coffin up bawls of phlegm that would scare eh incomers next door back o'er eh Border - at's Sitherland till you an me. 

Till next time, ma loons and lassgies - guid health till e all!

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## highlander

Och jessie can yea no writ is in a book, id lik tae see is in eh shops, i'd save up eh egg money jest ta read all aboot yere tales

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## Margaret M.

> Till next time, ma loons and lassgies - guid health till e all!


Feel better, Chessie, rub a droppie o' at Vicks eintment on yer chest til see if at helps any.  Haste ye back.

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## Liz

> I seldom visit any forum other than General and Pets, but I need to get around the others more. This thread is the best I have read in a long time. Great stuff, Pepsi!! I'd love to hear more from Chessie. Kudos to Tubs and John Little for their contributions!


Same here Margaret. :Grin:

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## horseman

Ma wife sayes 
 a wid be a dab hand at rubbin vick on till affected chests.
Cann'y think what she means-but form an orderly queue please. Shortest at the front tallest at the back. At's a military background for ye.

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## Margaret M.

So has anyone seen Jessie?   I had a lookie around Mey when I was over and no-one has seen her.  Maybe she has eloped with some stud she met on the 'net.

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## veekay

I to, have been searching for her Margaret M, I even ventured into the local hostelry on the off chance whe was there.  There were some really odd people taking the waters! but no sign of Jessie.

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## Blarney

Ah passed Chessie's hoose choost 'e ither day an' she wis sittin' oot on 'e step wi' her summer skirt up abeen her knees 'til catch 'e sun an' sluggin' in a bottle o' OVD fey 'e neck - no even a drop o' pepsi in id til watter id doon a bit. I did shout 'til her boot she nivver heided me. She's hevvin' a bittie o' a holiday ah think cos she nivver turned up at 'e Guild 'e ither nicht. Id wis a peety too cos we hed Anne Dinnid oot showin' his all her bonnie hats an' Wilma and Ella wis on 'e teas...an ye know fit lek a gran' spread they pit on! Thur pancakes wur oot o' is world an' they'd hom-made rhubarb jam wi' a droppie o' ginger in id. Chessie disna ken fit she's missin' - well mibbe she's goin' til come back til 'e Guild when her rum's done.

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